I often like to take my favorite stories and think of how the plot could have unfolded differently. In honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday I have adapted his version of Sneetches. I requested permission from Dr. Seuss Enterprises to use a portion of the original in this publication but unfortunately they denied my request. As a result, in order to hear the beginning of this story you will need to find your own copy of Sneetches and read the introduction.
For those who do not have a copy of the story, the introduction tells of some Sneetches who have stars on their bellies and think they are better than those who do not. They will not invite the plain belly Sneetches to their frankfurter roasts or allow them to play ball with them. The plain belly Sneetches spend much time moping about their predicament until the mysterious Sylvester McMonkey McBean comes along and offers them a solution.
My version of the story picks up right after this stanza. All quoted material is in italics:
"My friends," he announced in a voice clear and keen,
"My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
And I've heard of your troubles. I've heard you're unhappy.
But I can fix that. I'm the Fix-it-Up Chappie.
I've come here to help you. I have what you need.
And my prices are low. And I work at great speed.
And my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed!"
You can show those Star-Bellies what's what.
I can teach you to out- strut their strut.
I'll show you how to have your own frankfurter roasts,
And when people come visit they will like yours the most.
So gather utensils and napkins and plates.
Bring wood for the fire, some sticks and a date.
Bring stacks of frankfurters and cook them quite well.
When Star-Bellies smell them, why they'll start to yell.
It will make them quite mad. I know, I can tell.
So McBean charged a large fee to set up the party.
He set it up well and chuckled, the smartie.
And the plain-belly Sneetches stopped moping and doping.
They gathered their goods and were really quite hoping
The Star-Belly Sneetches would soon come to see
That the Plain-Belly Sneetches were the Sneetches to be.
That night a large bonfire was roaring and blazing
And the Plain-Belly frankfurters were tasting amazing.
The Plain-Belly Sneetches were dancing and singing
And the food and the fun they kept bringing and bringing
"We don't need those Star-Belly Sneetches!
The Plain-Belly ones are the best on the beaches!"
And the Fix-it-up Chappie who we know is quite keen
Kept his eye on the Star-Bellies watching the scene.
They grumbled and glared and were frightfully mad.
To be wearing a star was now frightfully bad.
They tried to sneak into the frankfurter roast
But the Plain-Belly Sneetches were not welcoming hosts
As soon as they saw the stars upon thars
They turned out the Sneetches and sent them out far.
"Good grief!" groaned the Stars in an angry outburst.
"We're still the best Sneetches and they are the worst!"
Then McBean, the old sly one, broke into the crowd.
He took off his hat and he stood and he bowed.
Then he looked and he said with a very sly wink,
"Never fear, things are not quite as bad as you think.
I'll make you again, the best Sneetches on beaches
And all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches!
We'll throw a party like they've never seen!
We'll have a Palooza with pristine cuisine!
Just leave me with a small bit of your cash
And I'll fix you up a Flashy Splash Bash!
A Splash Bash with marshmallows and swimming and beaches.
The plain bellies will see that you're the best Sneetches.
For you are the Sneetches with bellies with stars
And the Plain-Belly Sneetches have none upon thars.
So Sylvester McMonkey McBean went to work
And he stashed up his cash and smiled with a smirk.
And then very soon the Sneetches with stars
Were toasting and roasting and playing guitars.
They were splashing and bashing, getting wetter and wetter.
And the Star-Bellies' frankfurters were bigger and better,
And soon the Plain-Bellies were watching the scene.
This was a thing that they had not foreseen.
They sat overlooking the Star-Belly Bash
Just trying to think of a way they could crash.
Then of course McBean offered his service anew
And he made a Splash Bash for the Plain-Bellies too.
The music was louder, the food was much better,
The bonfire was bigger, the splashing was wetter.
And when the Star-Bellies had seen the cuisine
They got real upset and they turned to McBean.
Then, of course from THEN on, as you probably guess,
Things really got into a horrible mess.
Cause from then on Mr. McBean had employment
Making parties bigger and better and much more flamboyant.
Bigger marshmallows! Bigger and better!
Bigger Splash Bashes! Wetter and wetter!
Then, when every last cent of their money was spent,
The Fix-it-Up Chappie packed up and he went.
And he laughed as he drove in his car up the beach,
"They never will learn, no, you can't teach a Sneetch!"
But McBean was quite wrong, this isn't the end.
The Sneetches ran out of their money to spend,
Then something happened to start a new trend.
For now that the Sneetches had run out of cash,
They had nothing to pay for their Flashy Splash Bash.
And as one of the Star-Bellies reached in a sack
Looking for marshmallows to roast for a snack
He pulled out his hand and found nothing inside!
"The marshmallows are gone!" the Star-Belly cried!
The Star-Belly Sneetches gasped in dismay
And Mr. McBean was now far away!
And the situation down by the Plain-Bellies was dire!
The Plain-Bellies were out of wood for the fire!
They sat around wondering what they could do.
And the Star-Belly Sneetches sat wondering too.
Then the Plain-Bellies gazed with increasing desire
At the Star-Bellies' blazing amazing campfire.
And the Star-Bellies noticed the Plain-Bellies' Roast
Had plenty of gigantic marshmallows to toast.
And now at this time I am happy to say
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day.
The Plain-Bellies got all their marshmallows and sticks
And brought them to share with the Star-Belly chicks.
And the Star-Bellies made room with the fire a-blazing.
And THIS Flashy Splash Bash was the most amazing!
For they all decided that Sneetches are Sneetches
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars
And whether they had one, or not, upon thars.